Friend.There is a word you won't hear much in Germany.
I was hanging out with a German colleague that I have known for years. We have traded stories together, thrown parties together, gone to restaurants together, gotten drunk together, shared cabs together, recommended movies, beer, food, car purchases... I've even watched his little kids grow up during the random times he brings them by the workplace for the last 5 years. As I try to speak German, he tries to speak English. That way we honor each other's native language and try out new sentences in our broken speech. You know, all the things that friends do.
Comparatively, in the US you would call us good friends. I might even garner the honorary title of 'uncle' to his kids. (My parents always had three or four 'uncles' at any given time that the kids had to call uncle-this and uncle-that, and they were never related to us.) Then I made the mistake one day of referring to him as my friend.
"No. Not 'Friends'. Only 'Bekannt'."
Then I got the lecture explaining that any good German will only have 3 or 4 'friends' in their lifetime. The title of "Friend" is something that also needs to be agreed upon by both parties and there must be some sort of super-secret-hand-shake-oath where one swears to call every christmas and easter, attend every confirmation communion, plan funerals of who ever dies first and take care of the wife and children after they are gone. It's the Sicilian equivalent of being 'made' by a mafioso Godfather. "We are not friends. We are only bekannt."
Bekannt. Common, familiar, known.
Actually this is true to some extent. For years now, I have never been invited over to his home (or any other colleagues' homes). We just work together. And come to think of it, my wife and I are kept at arm's length from many native Germans who are nice enough of the surface but tend to keep to themselves when it comes to things other than the random get-together.
Armed with this new info, I asked a few other German 'friends' about our 'friendship' and got the same answer each time. Some even went so far as to say that 'friends' are reserved for native born Germans, which touches upon the deep seeded roots of racism being tied in with tradition.
Conversely, it seems that every English speaker I know becomes instant friends with me because we are in this strangely oppressive society searching for familiarity.
7 comments:
Well, I am German and I have a lot of friends and believe it or not, none of them are German-born, so much to your racism. I would not call a Colleague a friend either, unless that very colleague is also sharing personal time with me....but in my book thats just common sense. We "Germans" dont keep to ourself either. Beeing from Germany, we have tons of local fests which the whole neighborhood attends to, not to speak of all the BBQ's people have in their backyard that friends or neighbors or collaegues are invited to...just depending on the individual that is throwing the BBQ. Its the same as here. And just because the family that you know keeps to themself, doesnt mean all Germans do. And just because that one german person said "a friend must be a german" doesnt mean that all Germans do. I for example cannot say, Im living in the USA and my next door neighbors have never spoken to me so therefore I think "all americans keep to themself". Thats pretty stupid. I also cant call all americans racist, just because I have heard the "N" word used by some of my american friends. Dont be so frikking judgmental, every individual is different, here in the USA,in Germany and most other places as well.
Well well, Inga. Someone certainly has a massive chip on their shoulder, doesn't she?
This guy has lived a long time in Germany: he already stated that he watched his colleagues' children grow up over the last 5 years. All that socialising, all those good times... in other parts of the world, we would call that friendship. It must have hurt to hear the word bekannt. If you have a lot of friends, good for you. But having been to Germany, and experienced German frostiness first-hand (and this coming from a Briton - we're not exactly known for our let-me-give-you-a-hug-buddy openness) it seems you must be the exception to the rule. "Tons of local fests" doesn't mean anything if you're not willing to call someone friend.
You can attribute all of it to cultural expectations, of course, but the way you leapt straight on him to correct him doesn't do your nation any favours.
Oh, and you may not like to admit it, but there's still a lot of racism in Germany - I've got black friends there who are always getting nasty looks/being hassled when they're out with their white girlfriends. Not to mention the fact that all Jewish institutions still need 24 hour police protection - yeah... in other countries, we tend not to need to do that.
So off with you, Inga! Before I say something I regret...
Right on, lunettarose !!
Acquaintance - that's what the guy means by 'bekannt'.
A friend is someone you stay in touch with for years after you part ways and for whom you have genuine feelings of affection. An acquaintance is someone you spend time with for entertainment. It's the same all over the world.
As a person who's grown up in Germany for the past 27 years, I can confirm that this folk is of a very stiff character, which I believe stems from their oppressive history with the Nazis and later the communists. It must be some sort of defense mechanism - to pretend to not look at something while blatantly staring at it. And "it", of course, may also be a person. It is very introvert and a little bit pathetic, but there are normal people here that know how to mind their own business. I'd say every one in one thousand or so.
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